The Best Husband!

My husband has his moments of the knight in shining armor.  

I haven't been sleeping this last week- I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep because I start thinking about not having a job.  It isn't JUST not having work that makes me crazy, it is not being anything- you know, we are what we do.  I am a teacher and in my case, it isn't just what I do, it is what I am.  It is what I love.  I feel like it is one of the things that I was created to do.  So when I lose that, I struggle with my identity.  So, all the stresses that go along with losing my job, really start racing through my mind in the middle of the night.  

Well, in the midst of last week, crying in the middle of the night because I just wanted to sleep- my husband comforted my heart by reminding me that we were going to be ok.  And his response to my worries was to tell me that maybe God knew that I needed time to rest.  Then he also said it would give me more time at the gym (he wasn't saying it because he thinks I need it, but because he knows that I would like to spend more time working out) and finally he said, and you will have time to work on your book.  

He is the best!  He is ready and willing to step up- and if we lose my income... we will figure out how to make it work.  And he wants his wife to do the things that make her happy that she doesn't have time to do when she is working.  It blessed my heart.  

We're the perfect couple.  The thing that I can't deal with- loss of my job, loss of my income, loss of the security that comes with my income-- he is not bothered by.  He has lived with less than I can ever imagine and he understands that there are worse things we could go through.  He is strong in the very thing that makes me the weakest.  

He on the other hand doesn't deal with health issues well.  He automatically thinks the worse and worries about what will or could happen.  I on the other hand am not bothered by health issues.  If I die, I will be with Jesus.  And when he is struggling with his health, he just needs me to pray for him and to tell him that it will be ok, and he feels better.  Where I am strong, he is weak.  

God really does know what He is doing when he brings people together!

The Darkest Hour

There have been many dark times in my life, and some I can say that I have flown through with a trusting heart, but today, not so much!

There was a special election in California for the budget, it was a last hope at a job for next year. It didn't pass. The stress today of knowing that my probably won't have a job for next year at the end of the year, but maybe I will by the beginning of the school year has changed to it seems impossible.

My heart knows that one of God's favorite word is "impossible" but I'm not doing such a good job right now believing it. This morning on the way to work Pastor Steve Mays was teaching and as I first started on my drive, it hit me that he was talking straight to me. I heard the words that reminded me that I can't let the hard times drive me away from God... but seriously I AM TIRED!

How Do We Deal With The Longing Of Our Hearts?

We all have things we want. Things we long for. Many of those things are God given desires that I believe He wants to fulfill. We want to marry, have kids, reconcile broken relationships, have peace in our homes and lives, to be missionaries, or we just want to be closer to Jesus. The longings in our heart are the things that drive us, but they can also derail us. I can remember when I was waiting for Osmel, crying out to the Lord on a daily basis... quoting scripture to Him- and reminding Him that a hope deferred makes a heart sick. I would tell Him how my heart was sick-- but still, I had to wait.

I can't say that waiting is easy, it never is. But when I was closer to Jesus, it was EASIER. I found that in the waiting, the desperation of my heart caused me to seek Jesus all the more. It caused me to run to Him and cry out to Him- some days it was minute by minute!

I had to teach myself how to take my thougths captive to Him (that is- every thought). The thoughts that were driving me to depression and grief over my circumstances had to go. They needed to be replaced with thoughts of things that were true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and of good repute. I would take each one of those things and I would think of how Jesus fit those qualities. How is Jesus pure? How is He lovely? and as I would use that to worship Him, it would calm my heart and cure the sickness that was there.

I also thought if I could convince Jesus to get me through the tough times faster or that I had waited long enough, that somehow I would be able to outsmart the Lord into giving me what I wanted when I wanted it. Skewed thinking I know, but what it did do, is drive me to God's Word. Searching through and examining the promises of God looking for ways that God could, would, or should bring them to pass in my life. This is manipulative in motive, but in actuality, - it had profoundly wonderful rewards! It is never a bad thing to know and understand the promises of God. And it was me that was changed.

I am still waiting on God. I confess, I don't do it as well as I have done it in the past. But to those of us waiting for God to bring about something- I encourage us all, to take our heart aches, our yearnings, and our thoughts to Jesus. He WILL bring about the desires in His time, and in the meantime, He will make you more like Him. And best of all, there really is not time that is better than His time!

No Answer Yet

Yesterday was the day that the judge in the hearing was to submitt his written decision to the district. I don't anticipate that we will hear any word right away, although the union might make sure we are informed right away. As I wait on this and I hope, and I pray that God would do as He says in Proverbs and move the heart of a judge as channels of water... (and of course that the direction God would choose to move it is a favorable direction- in my eyes), I think about the power of God and I have the knowlege deep within my soul that He is in control.

There were two temporary teachers that were made permanent just before the hearing. One of those temporary teachers works at my school. She has been in the district just two partial years and was made permanent because someone messed up and she didn't sign her contract until after she started... that is illegal and as a result, she is now a permanent teacher. That was a hard pill to swallow!! So as I asked my Lord, who has the power of the universe in His hands, why that couldn't have been me... I realized it was because that wasn't a part of His plan. (That pill isn't going down any easier) But all this once again reminds me that God is in control, AND, that His timing is perfect.

A colleague gave me a page from her devotional from Wednesday. It was all about how God's timing is perfect! Do I know that? YES. Have I lived that? YES. Do I still lack in faith when it comes to my job? That would be a loud and resounding YESSSSSS!